yes. I am cognitive. I understand that. I don't understand people. I don't understand you. I don't understand me. I don't understand them. I understand this. and I accept it. I also accept that I need to learn. I also accept, with as much bravery as I can, that I am nowhere near what I need to be. And I tell myself "it's ok. you are what you are. Accept it. But move forward. One step. You are cognitive. You don't understand people. but you can try. You can see, you can learn and you can think. You will probably fail and even your best efforts will succeed maybe 1 out of 5 times? but you were not meant to succeed, you are meant to try and be faithful." But because I am not wiling to try, the world is falling down around other people. It falls down because they carry their weight but they also must carry mine. Let me go back and carry my own weight It is more than what I want to do. I didn't sign up for this.
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Heaviness
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Never in my life have I felt as much a failure as now. Perhaps I have simply never seen it. But while before I have always wondered how I will survive until the next milestone, now I wonder if I want to. 20 more years. 20. I am forty now. it will take 20 more years. But while 20 means I'm more than half way there in terms of time, it is also true that I've only been truly responsible for myself for 15 years. I'll have to double this and then some. Can I do it? Will I do it? Perhaps if I take one day at a time. I don't understand how scripture applies. Jesus came and died for our sins, so that we may live and have life abundantly. What does that look like? How does that work? I have been 20 years a Christian now; have I missed the boat? Do I not truly believe, that I do not see this abundance? When I look around, I come only to one conclusion. I have not been faithful enough. I have not sacrificed enough or loved enough. I have not served enough. What a lousy bind, beca
Hollow
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There is a shell of carvings and paint. A shell that is useful for many things. The shell is sturdy and strong, it does its work But the shell stay still when there is nothing that pushes it. There is an emptiness that stays in the shell The emptiness cries out, but the shell is useful for many things Who speaks to the emptiness? Scripture comes and makes its rounds, but the shell is useful for many things People come and touch the shell, and the shell is useful for many things Rain falls and black descends, but the shell is useful for many things. But the emptiness doesn't care for the shell Nor the shell for the emptiness. One needs the other, and the other just is.
Circles
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Round round round around Round round round Round round round around Circling the red splashed ground What do I do? Just do that! No. Round round round around Circling the red tinted land What do I do? Just do that! No. Round round around Circling circling What do I do? Just do that! No. Why even ask? Because I don't want do go around Just do that! No. Round round round around.
Empty
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A place for emotions to bleed out, so everythings to returns to zero. I can move from zero. I don't need to be happy, or positive. Just zero is good enough. From zero, you can choose, freely, what to do. You may not be excited about it, but you will have the ability to do. Somewhere in that zero is the chance to be good, to feel a fleeting satisfaction. What does motivation feel like? Real motivation. A conviction of something important that lasts. How do you keep choosing to move? It is now 3.30pm. In 30 mins, it will be time to leave. Can I make these 30 mins something useful to justify my day? I do not want to. Yes, let's do something with this time. At least half an hour of work. Come, let us work.
Anger
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"Come make a sacrifice of all your shame" I AM angry Lord. But I don't know who to be angry with or what to be angry about. My heart shouts at me to move move move, but it is also so full of reluctance and fear and unwillingness. Meet another student? Sort out my notes? Plan a programme? Certainly those are things that I can do, but I don't want to. I don't even want to go home because when I go home there is the wife and the kids to deal with. And I must be present there. I don't want to be present. I want to disappear. I want to stop. I want to...not exist. Yet the bible is there, calling me to reach out for hope The family is there calling me to stand up for love The job is there calling me to move on for responsibility You are there, watching. What will you do, han min? Will you give up? will you honour me? will you love me? I gave you Jesus, what will you give me? These are the thoughts I imagine you asking me. Somehow, I know it's false. but I don&