Heaviness

Never in my life have I felt as much a failure as now.

Perhaps I have simply never seen it.

But while before I have always wondered how I will survive until the next milestone, now I wonder if I want to.

20 more years. 20. I am forty now. it will take 20 more years. But while 20 means I'm more than half way there in terms of time, it is also true that I've only been truly responsible for myself for 15 years.

I'll have to double this and then some. Can I do it? Will I do it? Perhaps if I take one day at a time.

I don't understand how scripture applies. Jesus came and died for our sins, so that we may live and have life abundantly. What does that look like? How does that work? I have been 20 years a Christian now; have I missed the boat? Do I not truly believe, that I do not see this abundance? 

When I look around, I come only to one conclusion. I have not been faithful enough. I have not sacrificed enough or loved enough. I have not served enough.

What a lousy bind, because I don't want to serve.

Not all who call him Lord Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven - I guess... for all the struggle that I go through - struggle that doesn't count for anything compared to what others go through - I will simply be turned away. For the road to salvation is narrow.
I applaud those who get in, and I wish to join their ranks, but looking at my life - I think just too bad more me, huh?

No. But now is not the time to think this way. Now is the time to stand up and move. Just move for 20 more years. 

"I guess it's just another convenient way out"
Yes. Yes it is just another thoughtless convenient way out. It is further evidence that I hae no sincerity and no heart and no love worth mentioning. It is proof that I am merely a machine that acts on rules and habits and I have no true personality. It is a symptom of my constant running away from reality that I just dip in long enough to make the most basic arrangements and I'm off running away again. 
I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I guess it wouldn't make a difference.

We are broken, but we are not meant to be broken. Let us move. If we are machines, let us be found to be working ones. I have locked hope out, because hope means work - you must work, take risks towards hope. I don't wan tto take risks.

He would saves his life will lose it. He who loses his life for Christ's sake and fort he gospel's will keep it. I guess in trying to preserve my life now, I have lost it for eternity. 

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